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Access	Entry into an operating system, or connection to a network or the internet, or any other similar function you could have performed if you hadn’t forgotten your password. See PASSWORD.
ACK	Code used to acknowledge error-free receipt of transmitted data. Slightly different codes are used to confirm transmission quality but express dissatisfaction with the data itself, including ICK, GAK, UGH, BAH, DOH, and FEH.
Acronym	A word such as BASIC (Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) that is formed from the initial letters of other words. The word “acronym” is, interestingly enough, itself an acronym stands for A Completely Ridiculous Obsolete Noun You’ll Misspell.
Active matrix	Advanced liquid crystal computer screen that display error messages and system failure warnings with exceptional clarity.
Add-on	Any product installed in a computer or attached to a program that boosts its failure rate or expands its capacity for malfunction. See UPGRADE.
Address	The specific place in a computer memory where a particular item of data has been lost.
Adventure game	Computer game in which players attempt to follow an incredibly complex path through a series of options. The best-known is 800-MYSTERY, in which callers to a special toll-free number are shunted among dozens of extensions and given bewildering and barely intelligible recorded instructions as they try to obtain technical assistance in loading and operating a completely incomprehensible program. See GAMES
Alert box	A small box that appears on a computer screen to warn you that you are about to do something bad that you didn’t have any intention of doing, either because you have no idea of how to do it or you were only doing it in the first place because a previous alert box told you that if you didn’t do it, something even worse would happen. See CHECK BOX.
Algorithm	A set of instruction that shows how to make it appear that a problem has been solved, transfer responsibility for solving a problem to someone else, or create an entirely new problem.
Align	Command used in word processing that makes data line up horizontally when you want it to line up vertically, and vertically when you want it to line up horizontally.
Alpha testing	The initial phase of testing new software in which highly trained experts on the staff of the manufacturer employ very powerful custom-designed hardware and ingenious temporary fixes to run a specially modified version of the product to find out whether, under absolutely ideal circumstances, the software will perform at approximately one-half its advertised speed or power. See BETA TESTING.
Alt	Handy computer control key that make it possible for a single misdirected finger stroke to create a degree of word processing chaos formerly achieved only by leaning on the keyboard with both elbows.
America online	We are sorry, but due to unprecedented reader interest, this extremely amusing definition cannot be accessed at this time.
Ampere	Unit for measuring an electric current, equal to one coulomb per second. Others units commonly used in the computer industry are the Karloff, which measures the destructive strength of a power surge; the Methuselah, which measures promised battery life; and the Gesundheit, with measures actual battery life. See BATTERY PACK and OHM’S LAW.
Analog	Method of representing information in which wrong answer or inaccurate readings are expressed as points on continuous line, rather than as a specific incorrect value. See DIGITAL.
Anchor	Hypertext tag that provides a link to another document. possible use for a large and heavy obsolete personal computer.
Apple	Pioneering computer company that, in technical terms, clearly built a better mousetrap, but lost out to competitor Microsoft’s more effective long-term strategy of breeding successive generations of worse mice.
Application	Specific task-performing software that can cause blowups, anomalies, and artifacts, as opposed to general operating software, which can cause a system-wide failure. See BOMB, CRASH, DOWN, FAIL-SAFE SYSTEM, FRIED, FROZEN, GLITCH, HUNG.
Architecture	Term often used to refer to the design of a computer system. Term never used to refer to the design of any building housing a computer company.
Archival storage	External storage system where unneeded data is always available. See BACKUP COPY.
Argument	A value or an option that provides data for a routine. See PARAMETER. Like hell it is. It’s a value or an option that modifies a command. Don’t See PARAMETER; See SWITCH. Sheesh.
Arrange	Command that automatically neatens up the columns and rows of document or file icons in graphical operating system by reorganizing them into the most counterintuitive and least logical possible arrangement.
Arrow keys	A set of four keys that move the cursors too far up, too far down, too far left, too far right.
Artificial intelligence	The utilization of computers to simulate human thinking, Any other simulation of human thinking, such as the thought processes of typical member of the U.S. Congress. See BIONIC.
Audio	Technical term for a sound produced by a computer that isn’t immediately followed by sudden darkening of the screen, the ejection of shards of silicon from floppy disk slot, or the smell of something burning.
Automatic	Capable of failing without outside input.
Automation	The replacement of fallible human employee with an unreliable machine.